Parental love

[mibukyo]

Parental love, is it protective or restrictive?

My girlfriends parents absolute hate me! especially her father!

Her father and I used to be quiet good friends, i looked up to him since he'd been through some very tough situations and came out of all! I looked up to his patience, guidance and wisdom. But things changed when i ask him if i could go out with his daughter.

His daughter and i were best friends. We knew heaps about each other and we could talk about anything. She also acknowledged she liked me.

But when this fact was brought out t the fore, he immediately became aggressive and rude. Telling me that i wasn't good enough. After that, he said i was never meant to contact his daughter via any electronic email, text, mobile phone, letters, notes or even talk to her in group gatherings.

She would tell me that she would cry every night before she went to bed because he'd repeatedly tell her off because she liked me. I tried to talk to him but the more i tried to compromise with him, he became more firm to the decisions he had already made.

So we would talk to each other rarely and even if i saw her, it would be enough for me to know that she was alright. I told her that i didnt want to tear her family apart and she said that she was going to estrange her father anyways. I told her that doing that was most likely going to make the situation worse and said that no matter what happens, he is still her father. She agreed. But things got worse because he started to get verbally abusive, calling her obscenities and such. So she started to harm herself and she tried to keep it a secret from me. But i saw the scars on her wrist and i told her this had to stop. We had barely enough time to chat but it was enough to make things...ok between the both of us.

Recently, she was crying because of her current situation and left before i could say anything. So i emailed her asking if she's alright and surprise! surprise! her dad called up threatening me and that if i ever got close to him or her, he would attempt at my life before hanging up before i could even get a word in.

Is he just trying to protect his daughter? I mean her no harm, i dont abuse her or anything. I love her so hurting her or her father would be the last thing on my mind.

Or is he just ...you could say, unbalanced? too restrictive and too possessive?

any advice please?

at the moment, i DON'T want anything to harm her anymore so i'm thinking about breaking up with her to ease the tension. But i'm worried that her she might do something that she might regret -eg. going berserk and start sleeping around, smoking, drinking and such. Shes a good girl and all and i dont want to do anything that would harm her or even allow a future of her as mentioned above happen.

What should i do? I'm so caught up and i would usually ask my older bro (mibukyo) to help but he's gone overseas and he wont be back til a couple months time.

can anyone here help me please?

 

[Velheart]

Dude, one point of advice, dont break up with her, she really loves you, just do this, remember her father said that you wasn't good enough for her, then just prove it that you two were meant for each other. just prove it that your really good enough for her.

 

[Chuuko]

Velheart is right, you should definitely not break up with her as she really loves you.
You should not be affraid by her father who is just overprotective in my point of view because he is afraid of losing his daughter......You just have to prove yourself that you are the one for her and that her father just have to accept it that you love his daughter.

 

[Velheart]

Dude if you break up with her, im sure! she's gonna kill herself, a nice girl like that will definitely die just for you!

Get a job or something like that! if your still studying get high grades! impress her father, show to her father that you will do anything just for her.

 

[synchk]

gosh

... i thought this kind of problem only appear in drama XD... just to want enlighten the situation. okay, lets put that aside =_=. my opinion is quite the same as those mentioned before by our friends. Just want to add:

Since you said that, QUOTE (mibukyo @ Sep 05 2008, 11:35 PM)I tried to talk to him but the more i tried to compromise with him, he became more firm to the decisions he had already made.i think, its better to leave her for now. its not you completely left her or something XD, just temporary. give them some time to resolve. since the more you tried, the situation ain’t getting any better

. so i think you don’t need to rush out since some people just need time. Maybe they had their own problem as well

. (since this only told from your perspective, it might become a bit different if we can look/know from both perspective/view to get clearer view of whats actually happen esp. behind the scene).

You also worried to break with her because you afraid she’ll lose herself, so I think “tactical retreat” and “wait and see” approach might help, at least (you or her family) can buy some time to think. Don’t break with her yet, and don’t contact with her too, just put them on-hold or KIV (keep in view). You might not get her this time, but you might get her next time. It might take months, or years, but yeah, be patient and don’t hesitate or rush out. her father might possible to change his mind later; or after you show him what you've made for.

“the longer you hold the glass (of water) in your hand, you would feel the glass becomes heavier and even heavier. Put the glass aside and rest for awhile, and try holding that glass again”

anyway, good luck

edit: sorry for double posting, internet problem lol

 

[franzoir]

Well, first thing i thought of is, what of her mother, is the mother alive etc. I think the mother is a very important aspect, you should try to win her round to persuade the dad.

Also how old is the girl? (If she is under 16, i can kinda understand the father wanting to protect her).

Another thing ran through my mind because i thought the father's reaction was quite unnatural since your not a stranger. I dont want to say what im thinking because it would just be added stress.

As for the current situation, keep the relationship to a minimal. Dont formally break up with her, keep relationship activities to a minimum to the point where it enough to satisfy her needs but at the same time not alerting any alarm bells on the dad front.

Eventually she will be free, an then you can be together all you want, but bes advice i could say at this moment in time is dont rock the boat. If you tried to initiate anything it could potentially destroy the girl life.

 

[shinigamii]

Well my advice to you would be, find out the reason you're not good enough for her. Have you done anything bad in your past that her father knows about.

Dont you have some family member who could question her dad's view of you because form what i deduct form the way you tell it, her dad liked you and after you asked permission to date his daughter he went completely anti-you.

Has her dad had a hardship with another one of her family members, that he is taking out on you as your putting his daughter in the same situation as his past hardship.

Also dont brake up with her just see if there in anyway to prove yourself to her father so he acknoledges you. Try and see her when her father isnt around, keep her close but try and keep ger father closer.

Keep you friends close (in this case your girl), but keep you enemy's closer (her dad).

Well good luck and if you can a bit more background information because as synchk says its very one sided.

 

[chiisai_hana]

I find this really alarming - from the impression of your post, she should be consulting an adult she trusts and getting some intervention. It is not okay for parents to verbally abuse their children, and if it's making her bring physical harm onto herself it's even worse. Consult a mother/teacher/older relative/therapist who can help her sort out the situation. I don't think you want to aggravate things be making a date/don't date decision. From your post, that doesn't even sound important to me. What's important is sorting out the problems she's having with her father. You should make sure she gets the help she needs, but perhaps stay in the background until things get resolved.

 

[Dalriada]

QUOTE Well my advice to you would be, find out the reason you're not good enough for her. Have you done anything bad in your past that her father knows about.

There's a possibility that the father don't have a problem with the OP specifically, but with her daughter going out with a boy.

then the OP may do whatever he wants, it'll be useless. The change must come from inside the girl's family (the mother ? the grand-parents ?)
Knowing if the girl has already had some boyfriends may help.

 

[Chuuko]

QUOTE (shinigamii)Well my advice to you would be, find out the reason you're not good enough for her. Have you done anything bad in your past that her father knows about.
I don't think he has done anything wrong, as he said, he and his gf father were quite good friends and he even looked up to him.

I think the reason lies a little deeper than that, i think that it has more to do with the fact the the father is afraid to lose his beloved daughter and that is something he doesn't want to happen and tries to prevent that by being overprotective.

And therefore got angry at the moment he asked for him to go out with his daughter and now the father is starting to threatening him just because of an email he send to his daughter.
I think he should try to have a long discussion with the father about this problem and with the recent development in the situation he should get his own parents to be with him and if the threatening gets out of hand, you should contact the police as i've seen an situation like this before...

 

[Kit-Tsukasa]

Nogizaka Haruka no Himitsu episode 6 and 7 anyone?......on a more serious note though, seriously where is the other half of the family in this? (ie the mother like Dalriada mentioned)

Not too be rude or anything, but may I ask what are the heritage/race of your girlfriend's father (may be a key as to why he's so abusive over such a matter)

The father is not really being a total dick...but rather it's his mentality of being stuck in previous generations or traditional marriages where families/parents decide who the child is to be engaged with and who not to be engaged with. Basically, this guy is more stubborn than a bull and you're in rather one heck of a dilemma (sorry for pointing out the obvious).
Nevertheless, definetely don't break up with her. It would only make matters 100 times worse than it already is and essentially admitting defeat. As chiisai said, definetely find someone to consult this with. Your parents can only do so much, or rather in this case, not much at all since it's not you that's the main issue. If you have a school counselor, you should talk with him/her for advice. Don't try to avoid her at school, but rather keep things on a low profile as it would seem this guy is really nailing you up the wall, as if he's invading your privacy (which if he does, you can then take this up to the police if you want).

Your girlfriend and you also have to know where this crosses this line. The father may be verbally abusing her now, but in the event that he starts physically abusing her or if she starts to really lose it and wants to simply die, you need to find some sort of counseling for her fast (in fact, you should both find counselors at your school if possible).

At this point, don't try to infuriate the father any further as it only ends up harming her more. You mentioned your brother is overseas...why not trying calling/emailing him if you can.

 

[dchaosblade]

My advice is the following:
First of all, ignore the first 3 replies in this thread. People saying that she's gonna commit suicide or shit like that without knowing more than a few paragraphs worth of information are nothing more than morons who like to cause panic and fear.

Now, what I will say is this: first of all, talk to someone who is closer to the situation (e.g. a family member, teacher, etc) who is a mature ADULT. Don't go to your best friend and ask him what you should do.

The thing is, you cannot truly expect people from God-knows-where and god-knows-what society to be able to help you; especially in matters like this where small differences make a huge impact. Further, there is just no way that we could even begin to grasp the true situation and be able to help without knowing who we're dealing with.
If I were there, and I knew everyone involved (you, the girl, and the girl's father), then I might be able to give advice that would work - but without the kind of knowledge only acquired via direct association NOBODY can even begin to judge the situation and give assistance.


Seriously, I suggest you talk to either your parents, a figurehead at your school who knows you and her, or some other adult who would know the situation well enough to help.


BTW, it's also almost impossible to assist without knowing the general ages of all those involved. What might work for a 20-something year old will not work for a 16 year old. And what might work for a 16 year old wouldn't work for an 18 year old. Age plays a huge role in relationship issues due to maturity and independence of those involved.


Don't use forums for this kind of thing. Get real people from your real life to help.

 

[Chuuko]

dchaosblade is completely right, i agree with what he said!
But not with the cause panic and fear thing and i've never said anything about committing suicide or anything like that, i totally don't like that kind of behavior al all, i was only trying to help, maybe i've putted my words accidentally in the wrong way...
But i try to help as much as possible...
So if i caused any fear or anything like that, then i'm deeply sorry for that...

Now like dchaosblade suggested, it would be best to get help from your family and relatives...

 

[Kit-Tsukasa]

QUOTE (dchaosblade @ Sep 06 2008, 03:09 PM) Don't use forums for this kind of thing. Get real people from your real life to help.
At most we can provide advice, but we can't get a full grasp of the situation since we are not physically present and don't know you or your girlfriend in person.

Basically, don't take anyone's "words of wisdom" here for granted.

 

[mibukyo]

thank you so much for your advice everybody! its been a real help in deciding what i have to do. You're all right when you said that i shouldnt break up with her, im 18 and she's 18 aswell so we're both legally adults.

Her father isnt...you could say mentally sound perhaps? he thinks that im trying to undermine his relationship with his wife. Oh, and the reason why i never said anything about the mother is because its her step-mum. I have no idea where her real mother is because she doesnt like talking about it...like its an opened wound!

But thanks for you advice everyone! its much appreciated!

My parents know all about it and they also offer me advice, but its just basically not to rock the boat. So right now, i'll guess i see her enough to satisfy her. But i'll try and stay in the background too!

thank you so much!